Stop writing to prove yourself
The other day I cringed when I saw a writer post something on IG about publishing their book to get back at all the people who had ever doubted them. I admit, I’ve felt like this in the past. There were times in my early writing life when I thought about the people who doubted me and imagined how they might react when they found out I was a published author! Now though, I find these types of sentiments (and posts) cringy. It’s like seeing someone shout their insecurities from the rooftop. Because what they’re really saying is that they’re writing to prove themselves. To make others think highly of them, especially those who currently think poorly of them. If I had a character who was feeling and thinking this way, I’d have to take them on a long and painful transformation journey. Here’s why writing to prove yourself is unhealthy:
1) You may have deep wounds you need to deal with
I did and I still do. I grew up thinking I was not good enough. I continued into early adulthood believing I needed to prove myself to family, friends, co-workers and others. I chased achievements thinking they would somehow fulfill me, but they only left me feeling worse about myself when I didn’t get to where I wanted. Somewhere, I learned that admiration and love were the same thing and had to be hard-earned. No surprises, but writing didn’t fix these wounds, it made them more obvious. Because every time I hit slumps and failures, it shattered me. Gaining self-awareness (through my faith) helped me deal with my deep wounds, then I learned to approach writing in a new and healthy way.
2) You can’t control the publishing industry
You might not get a chance to prove yourself because the publishing industry is unpredictable. Yes, you can self-publish — but then there will be other things you can’t control, like sales. When it comes to the writing industry, most of the outcomes and markers of success are out of our control. Of course, we’re more likely to achieve success if we work hard, but there are no guarantees. Take Shakespeare. In his time, he was recognized only as one of many talented playwrights and poets. It wasn’t until after he died that his plays became popular and widely read. The industry isn’t predictable and it certainly isn’t fair, so we can never assume we’ll be successful no matter how talented we are, or how hard we work.
3) Those who think poorly of you will continue
Hard truth: you’re lying to yourself if you think that you can make people love and respect you through your accomplishments. Famous writers have haters. Lots of them. They have bad reviews, they get their books banned, and they get cancelled and criticized constantly. If you can’t handle the current number of haters in your life, imagine how it would feel on an epic scale. Plus, those people in your life who don’t believe in you, they probably won’t change their minds. They’ll find some other reason to put you down. Whatever it is, don’t let people-pleasing be your motivation because people are never pleased. They always find something to criticize. Instead of trying to make a handful of haters change their opinion about you, shut out the negative voices and let go of the approval of others. It’s quite freeing!
4) You’re so much more than what you accomplish
No one told me this before. I only learned it in my 30s, once I started to get to know Jesus. I know that may sound wacky. It used to sound really odd to me too. But all I can say is it’s true. I was filled with messages from the world about intelligence, accomplishments, awards and high salaries being the only indicators of a worthy person. So when I kept falling short, I kept feeling worse about myself. But building a life of faith and inviting God in made me aware of a love that has nothing to do with what you accomplish or accumulate. It’s a love that says I have value as I am. It not only gave me a better view of myself, but it taught me to let go of what others think or expect of me.
I hope you found some truth here today. When you escape that place of proving yourself with your writing, it’s so freeing. Once you get out from people-pleasing, proving and revenge on those who have wronged you, you can build yourself back to whole again. When you’re whole, you leave lots of room to discover the true joys of writing!
