Rejection and facing my deepest wound
Rejection is part of the writing process. Rejection is normal. All writers face rejection. A famous author we all know was rejected multiple times!
These things are all true. And I have deep respect for the writers who went before me. I am glad they share their stories of rejection and make us all feel more positive about the whole submission process. But after a recent string of rejections, these commonly recited facts weren’t making me feel any better.
Beginning in January, I started submitting queries to agents in hopes of getting my latest novel picked up. I’ve been working on my dream to have a book published for more than 10 years. During that time, I’ve written three full manuscripts, attended countless workshops and writing conferences, pitched to agents in person, queried agents, completed a year-long writing mentorship program and finished my MFA in Creative Writing. Determination and perseverance are definitely not my issue! But I still haven’t gotten the ‘yes’ I’ve been waiting for.
Most of the time, I feel hopeful. I know I can trust God with my dream and that there is a path and purpose for my story. I am convinced that what God offers in the waiting is more valuable than what we get when we receive what we’re asking for. But sometimes another rejection or a piece of harsh feedback throws me off.
I only recently realized through my reflection time why rejection stings so badly for me. I know it stings for everyone. But all of us have deep wounds or lies we’ve been living with for most of our lives. Sometimes rejection is salt to these wounds. Depending on what your wound is, rejection can make a lie feel extremely real. Just like the characters we so carefully build and design in our novels, we also have a number of misbeliefs in our heads that need conquering. I realized what my misbelief was after listening to a sermon by Craig Groeschel. My misbelief is that I think that I’m not good enough and I’ll never be good enough.
Bullying and emotional abuse when I was young left me with a deep wound. For my whole life I’ve been trying to compensate and cover my I’m not good enough wound by proving to others that I am. Proving comes in the form of people-pleasing, over-achieving, being afraid to say “no” and being terrified of disappointing anyone. Subconsciously, I have thought that achievements and recognition will prove to everyone else that I am acceptable. Rejection stings so badly for me, and maybe for you too, because it reinforces the lie that I am not good enough and I will never be good enough. Every rejection makes that lie feel more real. I’ve only recently become aware of this wound with God’s help. Sitting in rejection has allowed me to face it and is ultimately helping me dismantle it.
I have a choice when the next rejection comes in. I can choose to allow my lie (not good enough) to burrow deeper in my brain and send me toward quitting, despair and depression. Or I can choose to seek the truth.
Here is the uncomfortable truth: acceptance of my writing will not fix that lie. It’s just going to bandage my deep wound for a little while until something else comes along to make it bleed again. Here is the freeing truth: I don’t have to wait for acceptance to bandage me. I can seek the truth right now.
I am good enough, whether my work is accepted or rejected. I am good enough whether I am accepted or rejected. My identity and value are not in my achievements or my writing. I have inherent value because God created me and loves me immensely. You may not believe that, but at the very least, you can choose to believe this: your value is not in your writing or your achievements. You are valuable, period. A string of rejections doesn’t mean rejection forever. You have a lifetime to improve your writing and learn to love your craft. Slow down. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. Your creativity and your efforts matter beyond what they yield. Your writing was never good or bad, it was always meant to continuously improve. It doesn’t matter what others say about you. It doesn’t matter if they reject you. You are more than your writing and your writing is worth much more than a means to prove yourself. You are worthy and you are loved, so stop mixing up your value with your writing outcomes.
